Growing up and maturing in states of isolation gave me access to live most my life until adulthood as an observer. 

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This habit has remained in my temperament, however in the present it manifests more intently, deliberately, constructively. A consequence of this habit is providing me with several conclusions on how to optimally spend my time in life. 

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One that I think is universally applicable to everyone in any profession, stage of life, level of development is the following.

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The best way to spend life is through engaging in a high frequency and intensity of experiences.

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At the end of our life, all we have access to is memories, which are a product of experiences. Therefore, the more experiences we have, the more life we have to enjoy in reflection. Following this line of logic further; the more strength, courage, and competence we have, the higher our capacity and tendency to engage in experiences.

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It can be a product of logical deduction to conclude - 

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The more strong, courageous and competent you are, the better your life will be.

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This equation works the other way in the negative application as well.​

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For most of my life, I was lethargic and lost because I did not have this formula. I was not strong, courageous or competent in any respectable regard. I lived as an outsider, passively, witnessing my peers live life, build connections and fulfillment through relationships, professions, hobbies and passions. I denied the urge to make new friends or pursue any potential romantic interests, denied self-expression and exploration of hobbies and talents, denied change and evolution, rejected any new experiments or experiences - thereby denying and robbing from myself any vestige of happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, connection, meaning, growth, pride, certainty. 

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This pattern continued on for many years. I was aware of my descending trajectory but too confused, lost, and careless to act to change it. I did everything to try to repress, deny, reject, escape this awareness of my condition. As the months and years passed, I was confronted with the ineluctable consequences of my thoughts and patterns. I had earned myself a world view of nihilism (nothing matters, we all die and this all ends anyways, everything is pointless, all attempts at improvement are futile), depression, low self-esteem, no confidence, needless suffering, social isolation, self-rejection and contempt, guilt and shame, regret, and the full spectrum of negative emotions morning until night. 

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One phase of my life that will always be in memory is the bleakness of my early adult life.

I had just graduated high school, and the previous distractions and proximal influences, social circles, people in the hallways, distracting commotion and noise - were all gone. I was at once forced to confront the consequences of how I had spent my teenage years. I wanted nothing more than connection, to be part of something bigger than myself, friendship, if I was lucky enough, a relationship. Anything to justify this suffering and have hope in working towards. Because I did not have conscious knowledge of the formula established earlier (the quality and satisfaction of your life is proportionate to your strength, courage, and competence), I wasn't able to make any measurable change or progress. I was still slipping downhill. 

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After the necessary visit to rock bottom, which manifested through a few attempts to end my life, a visit to the psychiatric institution, emotion-numbing medications, unbearable depression, social anxiety that would express itself in violent physiological symptoms (vomiting, shaking, tensing up), abandoning myself and faith in any future; I had caught hold of psychological principles that had the potential to empower and equip me with the strength and faith to change my life. At age 17, I began to grasp the potency behind some ideas;

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-The only way out is through.

-Strength, not safety, is the prescriptive remedy against existentially difficult phenomena.

-You are only as strong as what you have overcome.

-Nobody is coming to save you.

-You don't need permission to live the life you want.

-Your wounds might not be your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.

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These ideas,  coupled with the formula I proposed took root in my mind and I saw fruition in the seed of an idea: xeno. 

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"What happened, my brethren? I surpassed myself, the suffering one; I carried mine own ashes to the mountain; a brighter flame I contrived for myself. And lo! Thereupon the phantom withdrew from me!" - Nietzsche

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Xeno was and is the name of my future self, this phantom that withdrew from me, that justified the suffering from the existential threats and obstacles that I had found myself in. 

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Slowly and incrementally, I began a lifestyle of accountability and improved each area of my life exponentially after applying certain methods and perspectives. Through consistency, education, application and reflection, I have crafted for myself attributes, results, and a lifestyle that couldn't have been imagined by the younger version of me. 

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I began organizing my philosophy, insight, and observations over the course of this profound change. I adopted the aim of becoming the type of person that my past self would need as a mentor / guide / figure of support. 

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As principles began to crystallize, I started this website and brand, xenotheory. 'Xeno' is a prefix meaning "from different origin". 'Xeno' also was the name that 2012 me gave to this idealized version of my future self, as a goal that would justify my struggles. This brand and any content from it all focus on one aim; to live a more meaningful, fulfilled and empowering life, by transmuting suffering into strength, tragedy into triumph, misery into mastery. 

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My life is a continual project and experiment to test hypotheses and methods to fill the role of a meaningful existence. 

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The entirety of my life is nothing more than the soil for xenotheory to take root and blossom through. 

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Principles are larger than people. 

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The rest of my life is committed to endless learning, application, and growth.

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