vehemently devoted to improvement
Growing up and maturing in states of isolation gave me access to live most my life until adulthood as an observer.
This habit has remained in my temperament, however in the present it manifests more intently, deliberately, constructively. A consequence of this habit is providing me with several conclusions on how to optimally spend my time in life.
One that I think is universally applicable to everyone in any profession, stage of life, level of development is the following.
The best way to spend life is through engaging in a high frequency and intensity of experiences.
At the end of our life, all we have access to is memories, which are a product of experiences. Therefore, the more experiences we have, the more life we have to enjoy in reflection. Following this line of logic further; the more strength, courage, and competence we have, the higher our capacity and tendency to engage in experiences.
It can be a product of logical deduction to conclude -
The more strong, courageous and competent you are, the better your life will be.
This equation works the other way in the negative application as well.
For most of my life, I was lethargic and lost because I did not have this formula. I was not strong, courageous or competent in any respectable regard. I lived as an outsider, passively, witnessing my peers live life, build connections and fulfillment through relationships, professions, hobbies and passions. I denied the urge to make new friends or pursue any potential romantic interests, denied self-expression and exploration of hobbies and talents, denied change and evolution, rejected any new experiments or experiences - thereby denying and robbing from myself any vestige of happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, connection, meaning, growth, pride, certainty.
This pattern continued on for many years. I was aware of my descending trajectory but too confused, lost, and careless to act to change it. I did everything to try to repress, deny, reject, escape this awareness of my condition. As the months and years passed, I was confronted with the ineluctable consequences of my thoughts and patterns. I had earned myself a world view of nihilism (nothing matters, we all die and this all ends anyways, everything is pointless, all attempts at improvement are futile), depression, low self-esteem, no confidence, needless suffering, social isolation, self-rejection and contempt, guilt and shame, regret, and the full spectrum of negative emotions morning until night.
One phase of my life that will always be in memory is the bleakness of my early adult life.
I had just graduated high school, and the previous distractions and proximal influences, social circles, people in the hallways, distracting commotion and noise - were all gone. I was at once forced to confront the consequences of how I had spent my teenage years. I wanted nothing more than connection, to be part of something bigger than myself, friendship, if I was lucky enough, a relationship. Anything to justify this suffering and have hope in working towards. Because I did not have conscious knowledge of the formula established earlier (the quality and satisfaction of your life is proportionate to your strength, courage, and competence), I wasn't able to make any measurable change or progress. I was still slipping downhill.
After the necessary visit to rock bottom, which manifested through a few attempts to end my life, a visit to the psychiatric institution, emotion-numbing medications, unbearable depression, social anxiety that would express itself in violent physiological symptoms (vomiting, shaking, tensing up), abandoning myself and faith in any future; I had caught hold of psychological principles that had the potential to empower and equip me with the strength and faith to change my life. At age 17, I began to grasp the potency behind some ideas;
-The only way out is through.
-Strength, not safety, is the prescriptive remedy against existentially difficult phenomena.
-You are only as strong as what you have overcome.
-Nobody is coming to save you.
-You don't need permission to live the life you want.
-Your wounds might not be your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.
These ideas, coupled with the formula I proposed took root in my mind and I saw fruition in the seed of an idea: xeno.
"What happened, my brethren? I surpassed myself, the suffering one; I carried mine own ashes to the mountain; a brighter flame I contrived for myself. And lo! Thereupon the phantom withdrew from me!" - Nietzsche
Xeno was and is the name of my future self, this phantom that withdrew from me, that justified the suffering from the existential threats and obstacles that I had found myself in.
Slowly and incrementally, I began a lifestyle of accountability and improved each area of my life exponentially after applying certain methods and perspectives. Through consistency, education, application and reflection, I have crafted for myself attributes, results, and a lifestyle that couldn't have been imagined by the younger version of me.
I began organizing my philosophy, insight, and observations over the course of this profound change. I adopted the aim of becoming the type of person that my past self would need as a mentor / guide / figure of support.
As principles began to crystallize, I started this website and brand, xenotheory. 'Xeno' is a prefix meaning "from different origin". 'Xeno' also was the name that 2012 me gave to this idealized version of my future self, as a goal that would justify my struggles. This brand and any content from it all focus on one aim; to live a more meaningful, fulfilled and empowering life, by transmuting suffering into strength, tragedy into triumph, misery into mastery.
My life is a continual project and experiment to test hypotheses and methods to fill the role of a meaningful existence.
The entirety of my life is nothing more than the soil for xenotheory to take root and blossom through.
Principles are larger than people.
The rest of my life is committed to endless learning, application, and growth.